shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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