How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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