Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
