I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
