so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
