yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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