I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
