My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
