My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
