A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Four minutes until I can fart!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize