This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
