someone threw a dead crab at me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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