so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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