You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
