I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize