its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
