Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
