Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
