my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
