i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
