I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
