When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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