all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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