omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
