Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
