I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
