Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
