EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
