her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
