She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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