it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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