i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
