I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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