She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
im holly from the hills drunk
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
