if only i could text you this smell
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
