Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I feel great
I just peed on a car
high people should be assigned attendants
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
