I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
