I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
