My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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