I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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