I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Randomize
