If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
