I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
