News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
