i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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