Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
