Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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