Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
