Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize