i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
