He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
