how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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