Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
