He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
