i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
