My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
