He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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