I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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