Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
