my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
